XIPE: The Corporate Gap Year and Professional Renewal

Overcoming Fear - Que no panda el cúnico!

If you are like me, you think on top of thinking, you plan, strategize, then deliver, and well, the part we like to edit out of the process and pretend is non-existent, is the self-doubt. The Tezcatlipoca (Aztec god of change through personal conflict) of our life, forcing us to take a closer look at what is on the other side of our decision. The endless questioning and second-guessing that can be paralyzing. 

I remember finding Tezcatlipoca at every turning point in my life. Choosing to move away for college when no one in my family had ever done so. Applying to graduate school while working on the final year of my undergraduate program and so on and so forth until I reached this abrupt halt in life where I decided to take this mid-career corporate gap year, aka, Xipe. 

How cool would it be to tell you that the decision came quickly, but no lies. With time, I became quite diligent at my craft. Leadership became my passion. I found an excellent company where I could be fully me. I was with them for four years; I love so much of it and its leaders. So, why leave a good thing? Why break up with my long-sought corporate job? I was learning so much, and I felt like I was making a difference? This is where the self-doubt came into play. 

For much of my life, I have heavily relied on my gut instinct, making decisions on my next steps based on vision and gumption, like when I completed five years of employment at Toll Global Forwarding in Cali. I gave my resignation so I could move across the country to our nation's capital. 

MOV was on the fence, why on earth would we want to leave our cute little apartment in Long Beach? We lived by the beach, it was a vacation destination, we had it made! What else could we possibly want? 

In that case, MOV's Tezcatlipoca hunted me down. Life was good. We were in our twenties, regulars at the nearby coffee shop where everyone knew our name. Come on, like the sitcoms, how perfect is that? 

Seriously though, our lives were familiar, comfortable, we both worked for the same company, we had wonderful friends, we had built an ideal life there, why leave?

As I rode my cruiser down Ocean Blvd., my dogs in a dorky basket, I rang my bell, letting people know I was on their right or left, while the ocean called on me, it insisted for me to stay. The majestic waves of the sea loved me, I know it. They wanted to be part of my journey, and I didn't know how to say goodbye. 

It was at this moment when my very own Tezcatlipoca came after me. The fear of leaving my home paralyzed me, I couldn't go through it. Then, an even more powerful energy took me over, the fear of regret. 

I realized that I could stay in a very comfortable existence. Let's get real, the wild dream of moving across the country came when I was only fifteen. My dad who is a truck driver took me on a road trip across the country one good summer. I fell in love with the East Coast so much that I decided I would one day "get up and go" to the other side of the country. What did fifteen year old me know about anything? What did she know about leading a fulfilling life? And yet, I couldn't shake the thought of one day looking back and realizing I did not pursue my dreams. 

The almighty Tezcatlipoca was pushing me towards change, with all the conflict that can be expected. It was then I decided I could live with the risk of leaving the life I had built, but I couldn't live with the regret of not pursuing my dream. The Ocean and MOV understood.

Similarly, it was this same energy that drove me to reach the decision to take my Xipe. I would give notice at my company, and take one year to pursue a vision I had when I was nineteen, si, siempre con pajarracos en la cabeza. 

The self-doubt was overpowered by the pursuing of visions and dreams. Change amid internal conflict, Tezcatlipoca at its best.

To my corporate warriors and other dreamers, envision, push boundaries, reflect all the good. Be fearless. I am inspired and empowered by those three steps ahead of me.

Stream of Thought

Algunos sueños, todos los sueños,

Uno por uno, soñando y haciendo,

Completing one thing,

Adding another,

Accomplishing this,

Finishing that,

Is it me,

Or is that list getting longer?

Afraid of mistakes,

All that’s at stake,

Of leaving your home,

All the despair,

Is that the ocean?

Is it calling your name?

Travel in circles,

Circling back,

Return where you started,

What have you found,

Growing and growing,

Growing non-stop,

What about now,

What if I leave,

Leave once again,

All that I’ve found,

Searching and searching,

So long and so wide,

The fear in the losing,

The fear of regret,

If I lose I will fight,

I will fight and regain,

One thing is for sure,

I shall never regret.